Best Day Ever

Saturday was an incredible day. One that I had been dreaming about since I

The Difference a Day Can Make

In my last post I was so down and depressed but after the dark always comes the morning and I feel hope again. I feel like my worries have been lifted and the Savior is the only one that could help my burden be lifted. I am so grateful for my Savior and for the Atonement. I have spent a lot of time on my knees pleading with my Savior to take my heartache away. And I have been reading about the atonement and how it blesses our lives. He suffered for ME and not just for my sins but my heartache. I have been praying and really trying to let go of things and pass it on to Him. I feel lighter and happier now. I feel like I can be a mom again and take care of my kids. What a wonderful feeling that is. I am sure that there will still be dark days ahead of me, but I have a renewed faith that I will make it through. I know that I am not alone. What an amazing comfort it is knowing that there are people that love me, but mostly that the Savior himself is on my side and knows exactly what I am going through and is willing to help me. Incredible. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't know how I would make it through without having it in my life. I am so extremely blessed and I am trying to focus on all the positives in my life and let go of anything that will bring me down. Life is good!

Depression

To say that I have been struggling the past few weeks would probably be an understatement. I can't remember if I have ever felt so low for so long. I guess this would be my first true bout with depression and I don't like it all. It is hard to explain how I feel but I feel like I need to write some things down so I can get them out there. My heart aches most of the day and it feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. At times I feel like I can't get enough air and I don't know how I am going to make it through the day. I haven't been a good mom lately and I feel so guilty about it. My kids are so amazing and they don't deserve to have me be so distant. I try my best to do what they need but it feels so overwhelming at times and I feel so extremely alone.

I feel the need and desire so strongly right now to be with my mom. I wish she were here. I know she is with me in spirit but I want her here physically. I want to call her on the phone and talk to her. I want her to come watch my kids so I can have a few minutes to even breathe. I want her to be a grandma to my kids. I want her advice and reassurance that I am doing ok.

I miss her more now than I think any other point in my life. I guess it is because I am feeling so overwhelmed. Three kids is definitely harder than I ever thought that it would be. My life is now kids. I don't have an identity anymore other than wife and mother. Don't get me wrong I love those titles, but some days I want to just be Jodi. I don't even know who that is anymore though. I should be so grateful for my life. I am so blessed. I don't know why I get so down about it. I have the life that so many others would dream of having and yet I am not happy. Why? I wish I had an answer for that.

I wish that I could tell my heart to be happy and have it change. My head tells my heart that but it doesn't make a difference. My heart feels broken. And there is not another person in this world that can do anything to make it better. Depressing.

I am really trying to rely on my Savior right now. He is the only person that knows how I feel. I am reading about the atonement and really trying to apply it to me, but it is harder than that. I don't know how to let it all go. I want to just pass my heartache on to Him. I know that He has suffered for me. How do I do that?

Phoenix Children's Museum

Last week I ventured out with Brooklyn, Brigham, Talmage and Hayden to the Phoenix Children's Museum. I have to admit that I was a little nervous to take all of them to the museum by myself but we all had a blast. The kids' favorite was the noodle forest. Of course I didn't pull the camera out, but it was cool because it had hundreds of noodles hanging from the ceiling and they loved chasing each other and getting lost. Brigham couldn't keep up so he ended up sitting by me after a while and cuddle. That was my favorite part :). There was also a grocery store, cafe, racing cars, bikes and more.

I loved watching how different Brooklyn and the boys are. She loved making me food in the Cafe. I ate great that day with pizza, pasta and salad. She is a mighty fine chef if I don't say so myself. I loved how at ease she was in the kitchen mixing and cooking and of course sharing her creations with me.





The boys on the other hand lasted about 2 minutes in there and then they were ready to move on to the next section that involved dropping balls through some mazes. They loved it and it entertained them for the longest time.





And, of course, Brigham loved the motorcycle.



It was a great day and I was so glad that I decided to try it. Maybe I need to believe in myself a little more and do this more often.

Green

Today was all about GREEN being that it is St. Patty's Day. We had green Mickey Mouse pancakes and milk for breakfast and then we got all decked out in our green clothes. Brooklyn doesn't own any green since she only wants to wear pink so she made herself a green necklace, bracelet and ring. That's my girl. Resourceful and a total girly-girl. Hayden also joined in the fun with us and we loved having him. I let the kids decide what they wanted to do for the day and of course they picked a trip to the park so that is exactly what we did. Nothing like a little fresh air, slides and sand to make for some happy kids. I love watching the kids at the park, playing, running and laughing. I wouldn't have changed anything. Even Talmage loved watching the big kids play.

For dinner it was a green feast--green chicken, salad, freshly squeezed green lemonade and mint n' chip ice cream for dessert. It is amazing how something as simple as making the chicken green is so exciting to kids. It makes me want to try harder everyday to make it special. I haven't really gotten into the holidays but now that the kids are getting older I really am starting to enjoy the holidays more and more. I love that they give me the opportunity to really let them know how much I love them.

I still remember having green dinners as a kid and I hope that my kids will remember these fun traditions and share them with their kids one day. How awesome is that?!

Prayer

I am so grateful for prayer. I received a phone call the other day and it required me to make a decision that could ultimately change the lives of many people, including mine but more importantly my children and a few others. A decision that could not be made lightly and one that I could never imagine having to make on my own. In the early morning hours while everyone was asleep I found myself on my knees to my Heavenly Father asking him to lead me on the right path. I needed to know what was best for our family. Only He knows what it best for us. And as I kneeled struggling to find an answer I knew that He was listening to ME and MY prayer. What a miracle this is. I couldn't live without having the ability to pray to my Father in Heaven. There are too many things that I don't have the answers for. But the amazing thing is He does. He knows each of us and He knows us better than we even know ourselves. He knows our potential and He will never put us in a situation that we can't handle. So I am putting my faith in Him. I am listening to the promptings that I have felt while I am my knees. This isn't my decision to make. This is HIS decision and I pray that I can continue to listen to His will and have faith.