Depression

To say that I have been struggling the past few weeks would probably be an understatement. I can't remember if I have ever felt so low for so long. I guess this would be my first true bout with depression and I don't like it all. It is hard to explain how I feel but I feel like I need to write some things down so I can get them out there. My heart aches most of the day and it feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. At times I feel like I can't get enough air and I don't know how I am going to make it through the day. I haven't been a good mom lately and I feel so guilty about it. My kids are so amazing and they don't deserve to have me be so distant. I try my best to do what they need but it feels so overwhelming at times and I feel so extremely alone.

I feel the need and desire so strongly right now to be with my mom. I wish she were here. I know she is with me in spirit but I want her here physically. I want to call her on the phone and talk to her. I want her to come watch my kids so I can have a few minutes to even breathe. I want her to be a grandma to my kids. I want her advice and reassurance that I am doing ok.

I miss her more now than I think any other point in my life. I guess it is because I am feeling so overwhelmed. Three kids is definitely harder than I ever thought that it would be. My life is now kids. I don't have an identity anymore other than wife and mother. Don't get me wrong I love those titles, but some days I want to just be Jodi. I don't even know who that is anymore though. I should be so grateful for my life. I am so blessed. I don't know why I get so down about it. I have the life that so many others would dream of having and yet I am not happy. Why? I wish I had an answer for that.

I wish that I could tell my heart to be happy and have it change. My head tells my heart that but it doesn't make a difference. My heart feels broken. And there is not another person in this world that can do anything to make it better. Depressing.

I am really trying to rely on my Savior right now. He is the only person that knows how I feel. I am reading about the atonement and really trying to apply it to me, but it is harder than that. I don't know how to let it all go. I want to just pass my heartache on to Him. I know that He has suffered for me. How do I do that?